Be the light
by Cozybookworm
Summary: Merlin has lived more then a thousand years. He carries the memories of his time at Camelot. Each memory of how he failed everyone and his coveted feelings for Arthur are like a ghost weighing him down. With everyone alive again he vows to not let them go through the pain like he has. Yet when it gets too much can Arthur piece together the clues and save Merlin?


Merlin tipped his head back and put the pills in his mouth. He shoved his tongue forward and unstuck them from the roof of his mouth, throwing back water to chase them down. He grimaced as he sat the glass down on the sink. He watched numbly as if he was outside his own body and soul as it rolled off the edge and crashed onto the floor. He stared at the glimmering glass fragments that reflected his crappy florescent bathroom light and made odd triangular shapes on the chipped blue painted walls.

He walked on the fragments not feeling the sharp bite they made into his feet and walked into the living room. It looked like a war zone had come and struck up base in the middle of the small room. Clothing lay in piles on the floor and across the sofa causing Merlin to shift out which ones were the cleanness to put on and wear out. He shoved an old pizza box that was beginning to mold out of the way with his foot and shoved the cans of soda off onto the cushion of his old leather ratty chair. He sighed as his phone buzzed on the coffee table behind him. He glanced at it and saw Arthur's number. His body seemed to fold in on himself. He tapped his fingers on his pants leg.

Reaching for his cell, he swiped and looked at the new text, or one out of the many text he had not answered back to for the past week and a half.

 **Where the hell are you? If I don't hear from you I'm coming around to your place. Don't think I won't.**

Merlin did not dare to ignore the threat. He was surprised Arthur had not made the threat sooner or that any of his friends had not shown up at all. Yet, he was not really surprised. He had been keeping to himself for the past few weeks more than he had for the whole three years he met, or remet for him, Arthur and everyone else. The memories and the self-guilt were eating him alive and the pills were not helping, not this time. Soon he knew one of them would confront them, it was getting harder all the time to keep _their_ memories from resurfacing. He sometimes felt himself selfish for keeping their memories away from them just so they would not remember what merlin had done or see him for who he truly was. For Arthur to remember Merlin's feelings. Yet, he knew if they did remember it would be like a bomb going off and there would be no going back good or bad. Besides, he did not want to lose what he had gained so far, even if it was not the same. At least they didn't have to remember any pain. Merlin would shoulder it for all.

Grabbing for his fags from underneath a pile of unopened mail Merlin wove his way around his trash and mess and went out the door. He lit one when he was clear of the door. He struck the lighter and watched and smoke trundled up and disappeared into the morning gray dismal London sky. He blew out a breath and tugged his jacket up tighter around his neck. He started to walk, making his smoke light up bright orange in time with his footsteps. He ignored the busy streets and the commotion around him. It was nothing new. He had grown used to it until it was just another noise in the infinite background. When he got to the stop light he smothered the last remaining drags and pushed the button. He saw more then heard a women huff at him. He turned and looked her up and down. She was tall, thin, and had a nice smooth complexion. In one arm she was cradling a purse that merlin had not doubt was designer and on the other shopping bags. Her face was scrunched up in an ugly version that did pugs no justice.

"Is there a problem?" Merlin asked the women trying to be polite.

The women's voice was haughty with airs as she spoke, her mouth moving slowly as if she had a hard time forming her words around her big teeth, "Don't you know smoking that vile contraption will kill you?"

Merlin shrugged and said indifferently, "Yes."

"And you don't care?" the lady seemed astounded as her mouth made a little round 'o'.

Merlin laughed and drew looks from people around him. He crossed his arms over his chest just as the last three second beeps for the crosswalk begun to count down. He leaned in towards the lady and she backed away. Merlin smirked, "Lady, I have a thousand lives to live and more. The faster I go the better."

The crosswalk blinked and dinged signaling that they could cross. Merlin moved with the throng and could hear the mutters of the vain women behind him about how young people were just running the societies image. Merlin shook his head. He crossed two more blocks without interruptions and finally made it outside Barly's Pub. He pulled open the door and walked in.

He was greeted with a smoke filled room that was little in the way of fair lighting. He crossed the sea of people and made his way to the bar. Sitting on the stool he signaled to the bartender who held up the communal one minute sign. Merlin glanced around the pub. Out of all the lives he had lived and all the places he had been this was one of his dear to heart places. He supposed it was because it was In fact right on top of Eladore. He could see it in the beer soaked floor slopped in and out, he could feel it when he went on the back common porch in the summer and watched the shadows stretch in.

When the bartender finally came to take his order, Merlin sipped at his spiced rum topped with cream. He let his eyes drift over the shiny TV's playing the football matches and over to the pool hall nestled in the corner of the pub past the dining hall. He was never much of a player but enjoyed a good game. He watched as the queue hit the ball and set it rolling across the green carpet and hit with a smack into the red ball. His eyes trailed it as it hit the side and bounced bout out nearly making it into one of the left corner pockets. Merlin smiled as he heard a curse and watched money be exchange.

He heard the door open and yells go up and he turned to look. There walking through the door as if he owned the place was Arthur Pendragon, the once and future king. The blonde haired man exchanged greetings and slaps on the back as he sauntered up to the bar. Merlin looked over his glass and noticed Arthur's eyes were shadowed and there were deep lines creased his face making him look haggard. He took his jacket off and called to the bartender, it was then his eyes met Merlin's. Merlin froze and looked back until a major pain in his head caused him to bow his head and drop his glass.

* * *

 _Merlin looked at the oak door and traced the embedded golden design with his eyes. It was a common gesture one he did without much thought now days. He liked how the sun's rays would peep out from the west wing's hall window and light up some of the golden inlayed twirls and twist while still leaving some hidden in the shadows. He fixed his hold on the breakfast tray in his hand and raised his other first to knock on the door._

 _Once_

 _Twice_

 _-It opened_

 _Without a word spoken between receiver and invitee Merlin walked into the room. Not much had changed since his visit yesterday. The wooden table was still in the middle with its niches and grooves as it played host to straight back chairs. Along the walls were numerous crests displaying the Pendragon crest. The fire which Merlin had snuffed out last evening was now cold waiting for him to light it. The bed on the adjacent wall was unmade still with the duvet hanging off one corner and pillows in the floor after they lost the wrestling match with their restless sleeper. Merlin sat the tray down with an audible clack. He began to set the dishes out at the head of the table to be eaten._

" _You're awfully quite this morning, Merlin."_

 _The raven haired man placed the fork onto the table and paused in his duty to look at Arthur. The young king for a year now had his large arms crossed over his chest and was looking at him. Merlin shifted his gaze away and said simply, "Just doing my job, Sire."_

 _Arthur's eyebrow raised half an inch, "Since when do you call me sire?"_

 _Merlin shrugged and moved away from the table letting Arthur know he could now partake in his meal. Arthur did not move to the table. He kept looking at Merlin. Merlin looked away forcing away the pressure in his chest and the yawn building up inside. He wanted to run and keep running. He was tired and over all exhausted of life. His king was going to die soon, everyone he knew would evidentially. He hated his magic for giving him this new gift of foresight. Merlin would be left traveling the ages remerging and not forgetting. How could he possible tell Arthur that?_

" _Is everything all right, Merlin?" Arthur now asked him taking a step closer._

 _No. "Yes."_

 _Arthur semi nodded and sat in his chair. Merlin took his place behind him and to his left. The words left Merlin's mouth before he could catch them and push them back down his throat, "Do you suppose people will always remember each other?"_

 _Arthur stopped and looked at him, his fork raised halfway to his mouth. "What are you talking about Merlin?"_

" _Do you think people will always remember each other? How it was and is now? If they met in another life time and got to know each other do you think they would still like the other if they found out things about that person that they don't know now?"_

 _Dumbfounded showed on Arthur's face, "Have you been at the draft again?"_

 _Merlin studied Arthur evenly, "It would be a curse knowing everyone around you died and your stuck going on and on with all the memories and regrets. Then when they all do remember it would be really hard wouldn't? It would be too much. I would try to keep the other from remembering for their own health. Even if you'd be aching to share it all."_

" _Merlin that is the eeriest thing I have heard you ever say." Arthur spoke slowly._

 _Merlin shrugged and headed for the door. He paused on the threshold, "What would really be hard was not telling the person you loved him in this life or the other one and they never knowing. When all you would do is pray they don't piece it together and hope at the same time they do."_

 _Merlin left Arthur to his food and walked down the hall way. Vowing he would never let any of them remember the choices they made and the events that took place, or remember Merlin was powerless to stop them when he was the powerfullest of them all._

"You ok there chap?"

Merlin's eyes went back into focused and he looked up at the speaker. The bartender was standing in front of him wiping up Merlin's spilled drink. Some of the men on the barstools were looking at him too. Merlin forced a smile and assured the man that yes he was fine. When the attention was off of him he sighed. He hated when memories came. They used to come all the time and it was easier to block the pain, but now that they happened less and only triggered by some key thought, person, or object, like Arthur looking at him, it was hard to ignore the sharp pain. He heard the stool next to him squeak and saw riding leather boots below him.

"Merlin," the new comer said sternly yet softly forcing Merlin to look up.

Merlin met Arthur's blue green eyes and smiled somewhat surly, "Always interrupting me aren't you prat?"

"Where have you been? We all been worried sick you know that. You haven't answered any of our messages back in weeks."

Merlin took a sip of the drink the bartender had replaced in front of him when he was not looking, "didn't know you cared so much." Then, "I've been busy."

"With what!"

Merlin snorted, "Life." He looked at Arthur whose cheeks were turning red from either the heat or the fact he was getting angry Merlin wasn't sure, but he put his money on the latter. It wasn't that Merlin wanted to goad Arthur, but it was getting harder and harder the past months to be around him or any of their friends. He wasn't sure why all a sudden the attacks and memories were coming on like a fierce hail storm. He had ideas of course, but none that he wanted to linger on. His friends may think him rude or even in the end decide to not bother with him, but Merlin was doing it more for their sakes then his. If he couldn't control his memories who was to say he could keep them from remerging and suffering and begin to hate him too.

"Life?" Arthur glared at him. "Let me guess your busy life has no times now for your friends. Is that it? You're too good for us now?"

"Merlin didn't say anything. Just took another drink.

"What's going on, Merlin?" Arthur whispered.

The noise in the room was intensifying as the evening rush began to push in. soon the pub would be too loud for normal conversation or any talking at all.

"Gwen and morgana saw you going to the drugstore almost every day this week. Why do you have all those bottle and pills?"

Merlin turned to Arthur, "Oh now you all are spying on me?" he snapped.

"Watch it," Arthur growled and moved closer to Merlin, "We just want to know what's going on. We all know you have…problems and go to see a specialist. We just want to help. If it's getting worse..."

"Everything's fine."

The blonde sighed and shook his head. He tapped his fingers against the bar and looked out the window. He stood up, "Come on."

When Merlin didn't budge he grabbed his arm, "Come on. We are going to go see everyone."

"I'm not riding on your bike, Arthur."

"We'll take the tube." He replied and left Merlin with no choice but to follow.

* * *

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